Affair Handbook

It seems that affairs and divorce are more common today than ever, but the truth is that men and women in monogamous relationships have been fooling around behind their significant other’s back since the dawn of monogamous relationships. Not to say it’s justified, but if you’re reading this article then you’re going for it anyway so who am I to try and convince you otherwise. That being said, if you’re going to try and spend some quality time with a woman that isn’t your wife or girlfriend, you always need to have a plan in place. This is key, even for something as simple as Netflix and chill. What does Netflix & Chill mean? Well read on…

Everyone these days knows that suggesting someone come over to “Netflix and chill” really just means turn on the television and then have casual sex on the couch. It’s actually unfortunate that this phrase became so pervasive since it makes sincere invitations for a buddy to come over and watch Breaking Bad seem a little creepy. But hey, if you’re in a relationship and would like to invite your side girl over to Netflix and chill while your wife or girlfriend is gone, there are a few simple rules you should follow.

Make sure you wife is gone

This is the cardinal rule of any kind of cheating, but you’d be surprised how many adulterous men completely half-ass this one. Don’t be the guy who thinks he can squeeze in a quickie after work every day or sneak his girl over for an hour while his wife is grocery shopping. She is not an idiot and you will get boned (and not in a good way). If you’re going to invite your side chick over to Netflix and chill, give yourself plenty of time. To be safe, I suggest waiting until your wife is out of town so that there’s no chance that she’ll walk in on your guys.

Don’t leave evidence

Always assume your wife or girlfriend is a secret detective because guaranteed she is smarter than you and she will pick up on even subtle clues if you leave them. If you have nosy neighbors, tell your fling to park down the block and walk to your house. Maybe even have her use the back door. If you have a nanny cam in the living room, “accidentally” knock it over or stay out of its line of sight. Being extremely paranoid could save you. After she leaves, make sure there is no evidence that she was ever there. Vacuum the couch and surrounding areas in case she left hair, spray down the couch with Febreeze to erase her perfume, and clean up any spots that lubricant may have stained.
 

Cut to the chase

If this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten with this side girl, there’s no need to beat around the bush. With today’s generation, just using the phrase “Netflix and chill” will be straightforward enough for her to know exactly what you have planned for the evening. If this is just a casual acquaintance or female friend that you’ve been flirting with and you’re trying to get with her for the first time, you don’t want to be coy in this case. If she doesn’t understand your intentions, she could freak out, get pissed, tell your wife, or any number of unforeseen actions that could ruin you. Instead, come right out and say what you want and see how she responds.
 

Don’t be an idiot

Alright man, at this point, your night is set and you just need to get through the encounter without being stupid. We all know that Netflix is not the main even when you invite your side girl over for Netflix and chill, but you do still need to at least have Netflix on in the background. Otherwise, it’s just a quick bang without pretext, which for some reason sounds much shadier. So, have Netflix turned on to give her an out if she wants it, and have it on something at least vaguely sexy, but not too interesting. If you have it on quietly as background noise, you don’t want it to distract from the good time happening on the couch. Speaking of smart decisions, always wear a condom no matter what she says because hiding a baby or sexually transmitted disease is a lot more difficult than hiding an affair. Don’t stain anything with lube or anything else and make sure you clean up any condom wrappers, paper towels, and any other evidence of your tryst and throw them away in the outside trash can or a public dumpster so that your girl doesn’t accidentally find them and start asking questions. Follow these rules, and you can have a fun, stress-free night.