Affair Handbook

If you’re the kind of guy who needs a girl on the side, it’s likely that nothing will ever dissuade you from that habit. After all, infidelity in a marriage has been around as long as well, marriage. Not to say that it’s a good idea, but if you’re having an affair and you need to make sure your wife doesn’t find out, it’s not entirely difficult to hide if you’re smart about it. Keep there from being any solid evidence, like text messages and call logs, and don’t be consistently gone at odd hours. However, women are extremely clever, and odds are that your wife is already wondering if you are getting some strange somewhere else. Click here for 6 signs someone is cheating. So, if your wife confronts you about suspicious activity, here are some solid excuses that might delay trouble.


 

Excuse #1: You’re starting to train for a marathon

This excuse works best if you preemptively begin running and working out. Honestly, you should be anyway, dude. If you’re hell-bent on finding yourself a mistress, you’ll have much better luck if you’re in good shape. If your wife starts asking where you are at odd hours or after work, being at the gym or going for a long run is a fantastic excuse to use, as long as you don’t overdo it. Eventually, you’ll need to be in good enough shape to actually run a marathon or come up with an excuse to bail on it at the last minute. Do you think you can fake a rolled ankle for a week?
 

Excuse #2: Your buddy is having a tough time and needs a friend

This is a great excuse to use very heavily for a short period of time. We’ve all had close friends that are go through a messy break-up or have a close relative die and need some extra social time to take their mind off it or talk through what they’re feeling. You could probably only use this excuse for about two weeks before your wife stops feeling sympathetic for your possibly-fictional buddy, but if you do it right it can grant you quick getaways at odd hours and indeterminate lengths of time. Maybe he asked for some time at the bar after work, or called you and needs someone to talk to right now. – How to be there for a friend – Either way, it’s short-lived but effective.
 

Excuse #3: You have a new project that could lead to a promotion

If you try to use this excuse, you need to be careful with it because it is one of the more common excuses for having a secret affair that jealous or suspicious wives are always on the lookout for. Like number two, this excuse won’t last you forever. If used effectively though, it can explain why you’re working an extra hour late for two weeks straight or why you had to pop into work for a couple hours over the weekend. Then all you have to do is conjure some ridiculous office politics to explain why you didn’t end up getting the promotion.

Excuse #4: Your buddies are starting a weekly poker night

If you have a girl on the side that you can meet at a regular time each week, this is a good excuse to get out of the house without your wife asking too many questions. If she knows all of your friends already, you may want to say that they are work friends that you’re trying to get tighter with so that she is less likely to figure out that the poker night is fictitious. If done correctly though, this excuse can get you out of the house every Wednesday night from 8-11pm and even explain the occasional loss of twenty bucks.
 

Excuse #5: You got a side promotion at work that requires long trips

This excuse may seem similar to number three, but it is actually an entirely different ball game only meant for those of you who are confident and creative enough to have a serious secret affair over a long length of time. Wives are on the lookout for this one as well, so extreme caution is needed to pull it off. Explain the extra work by saying you got a lateral promotion, so that you can explain the extra responsibilities without the extra pay. From there, you can explain weekend getaways and late nights with training sessions, seminars, retreats, you name it.
 
A word to the wise, gentleman. Any excuse you use is impermanent. Your wife will find out eventually unless it is a one-time thing. So if you’re invested enough in the affair that you need to draw it out, prepare for there to be a blowout at some point in the future. Until then though, good luck and don’t be an idiot.