Affair Handbook

I feel like I’m a pretty manly kind of guy. I can set up my nephews tent on our family camping trip. I can tighten the nuts and bolts on my household appliances and I can hang a pretty straight portrait when I really have too. No matter how good I get at the things I couldn’t do before, I’m always expected to do more. Especially when I’m in the middle of a torrid love affair. There is always some gorgeous romantic affair partner that assumes I have a certain set of skills stamped into my Y chromosome.

Affair Expectation #1 – Change a Tire

It would be awesome if someone sat down every single girl as she hit puberty and told her that not all men can change a tire. VIDEO: How to change a tire . I don’t know why they all think men are born with this knowledge and come into the world with a tire iron in one hand, but they often do. I don’t think I even know anyone who can change a tire. My dad might be able too.

Affair Expectation #2 – Change Car Oil

This goes right along with changing tires. I majored in journalism. The closest I’ve come to changing the oil in a car is filling up the wiper fluid. Seriously. I can’t do anything mechanical and neither can most men of my generation. We do, however, know how to call AAA. Automatically Know What’s Wrong With Your Refrigerator/WashingMachine/AirConditioner Unless she happens to be fooling around with a guy in that particular field, she will be out of luck. I have to call a repairman myself when that stuff breaks down and half the time the repairman has to call a repairman. At the very least they expect us to listen to a particular noise and diagnose its malady, if we can’t fix it on the spot with the set of tools we all keep in our trunks.

Affair Expectation #3 – Ikea Commando

Not all men can assemble furniture. Not all men can glue two popsicle sticks together correctly but women seem oblivious to this fact. Furniture takes a delicacy and dimensional control we don’t all possess. Drills and power tools are not the exclusive domain of men. As a matter of fact, there are many of us who just don’t have the capability. How to assemble furniture correctly.

Affair Expectation #4 – Drive a Stick Shift

You know what? I’d love to know how to drive a stick. In fact, even to me it seems a very manly thing to know how to do. I can see myself now, trucking along some lonely highway with a toothpick jutting from my lips and a sarsaparilla (is that still a thing?) between my legs as I shift gears into the night. Or even better, a smart little two seater sports car with just me and my secret lover speeding through mountain ranges and desert roads. None of that will happen, sadly, I cannot drive a stick shift. I don’t think many people can anymore. It’s a dying art. Sad, but true.

Affair Expectation #5 – Use a Grill

I mean steaks, chops, chicken and even veggies. This is a skill I do have but many men do not. Heck, half of my friends are vegan and the other half don’t have time to cook for themselves. Still and yet, there are women who believe all men can slap a steak on the grill and have a piece of meat that would make Gordon Ramsey cry. Most women do not believe men can cook but that they are born with an innate ability to grill. This makes no sense but is true all the same.

Affair Expectation #6 – Chivalry is Still a Thing

This is a tricky one. In fact, it can really piss some women off, whether you mean to or not. Sometime it’s an insult to open a door for them. Sometimes you’re a jerk if you don’t open the door for them. She may die of embarrassment if you don’t slide her chair out for her or perhaps she would die if you did. The key here is to do what you feel is right. Many men feel it’s wrong not to be chivalrous and go out of their way to show it to the women they’re with.

It’s a good thing to try to be what the woman you’re having an affair with wants you to be. Showing your interest brings out hers and that’s always a good thing. However, you still have to remain true to yourself and always do what’s in your gut. The real you is who she is attracted to.